


revocation (you deserve better than me)

by gotsarang



Series: of misunderstandings and glass hearts [1]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: College!AU, M/M, Nonchronology, Songfic, ambiguous timeline, post-breakup!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-19 13:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3612435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotsarang/pseuds/gotsarang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jinyoung likens the sensation of being in Jaebum's arms once again to bursting into flames, the pain consumes him entirely but he can't live without it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>previously posted as (but i can't handle it when i turn off my) night light</p>
            </blockquote>





	revocation (you deserve better than me)

**Author's Note:**

> pairing: JB/Jr.  
> warnings: unbeta'd, some words that rhyme with truck and pit, intimate scenarios, post-breakup fic
> 
>  
> 
> Dedicated to [nahonjaireoke](http://nahonjaireoke.livejournal.com) (because your first two jjp fics got me wanting to try writing a smut scene for once & you're basically me in another body)
> 
> lines from [One Last Time](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Wg92RrNhB8s) (Ariana Grande) & [The Harold Song](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lnmY2srJ6uI) (Ke$ha)

_And I know she gives you everything but boy, I couldn't give to you._

 

Jinyoung stares blankly at the cup in his hand, still recalling Jaebum letting Park Jiyeon grind up against him to the beat of a rap song. He screws his eyes shut but it does nothing to stop the images from replaying in his head. They feel like they're burned into his memory, floating in front of him even when darkness all there is to see.

 

 _Stop it, Jin! You and Jaebum are over now._ He tells himself and shakes his head to clear his thoughts.

 

It shouldn't matter to him what Jaebum does anymore. He knocks back his drink, wipes his mouth and leaves his isolated corner to locate more poison to drown out the dull ache in his chest.

***

 

_Baby, I don't care if you got her in your heart,_

 

Jinyoung gets out of Advanced Literature, fiddling with the strap of his bag when he spots Jaebum sitting on the steps to the library.

 

His dark hair is fluttering softly in the slight breeze with his nose buried in some notes, brow furrowed in concentration and thick-rimmed glasses on, still looking attractive even with them slightly askew. 

 

Jinyoung sighs to himself, what wouldn't he give to be beside Jaebum now, head on the other's shoulder in an attempt to playfully distract him. He all but takes a step toward him when Jiyeon suddenly appears out of nowhere and takes the spot Jinyoung had been just fantasizing about.

 

He can't ignore squeezing pain that blossoms around his chest, so he turns and walks as steadily as he can to his next class. (The tears stinging his eyes aren't making the effort any easier.)

***

_I don't deserve it. I know I don't deserve it. But stay with me a minute, I swear I'll make it worth it.  
Can't you forgive me? At least just temporarily. I know that this is my fault I should have been more careful._

 

Jaebum is staring at him like he couldn't believe what he just said.

 

Jinyoung wants to _die_.

 

The only thing worse than this was for Jaebum to reject him. Even though, he thinks he deserves Jaebum's spite.

 

Bad enough that he's the cause of their breakup and now he's practically begging Jaebum to take him back. 

 

***

_One more time. I promise after that, I'll let you go._

 

Nonsense tumbles out of Jaebum's mouth as he steadily thrusts into him with practiced hips (just like every other time Jaebum's got him pressed into the mattress.)

 

Jinyoung moans throatily as Jaebum hits his spot just right. He left gasping ah ah ah jae! yes! there! his fingernails leaving long red scratches and angry raised crescent marks on Jaebum's back and biceps.

 

"Jinyoung, shit. I-"

"Jae. Don't-"

 

Jinyoung shushes him, not wanting to Jaebum to ruin the situation with things he's been so accustomed to saying in the heat of the moment. Not when the situation is too fragile.

 

Things were different now, this was unlike every other time.

 

_(Shit._

_Fuck, you're so tight, Jin._

_God, do that again, Jin._

_I fucking love you, Jin.)_

 

Jinyoung prays, _begs_ silently that Jaebum heeds his warning and just be content with pounding him wordlessly into his bed.

 

As always, Jinyoung comes undone under Jaebum, gasping and arching his body with his release. Jaebum follows shortly after a few thrusts, pulling out and laying down beside him. Jinyoung tenses like a bowstring, hoping that Jaebum's too exhausted to say anything.

 

The sound of deep unhurried breaths calms Jinyoung, he turns around to wrap his arms around Jaebum, this would be really be the last time he's allowed to be next to him.

 

Then he was going to make the most out of it.

 

The seven months he spent without the older boy were hell, for neither had any closure due to Jinyoung just walking out of Jaebum's life without explanation and never looking back.

 

Jinyoung just wanted to get Jaebum out of his system once and for all.

 

Just one night, he swears.

 

One last night with him. 

 

***

 

_All I really care is you wake up in my arms._

 

He's selfish. Jinyoung knows that much.

 

He should have known better than to sleep with Jaebum again even after all their time apart. He had promised himself he'd leave as soon as they finished.

 

Then Jaebum had to go and nuzzle his face into the junction where his neck and shoulder met right after they were done, and he thinks _okay, i'll be gone as soon as he falls asleep._

 

About five minutes later, Jaebum starts to snore and Jinyoung begins untangling himself from the other's grasp.

 

_"Jirongie."_

 

Jinyoung freezes and chances a look behind him. Jaebum was still asleep. He swallows thickly and rearranges himself in Jaebum's arms.

 

 _In the morning, I'll leave in the morning before he wakes up._ He tells himself before closing his eyes and falling slowly in to slumber.

 

He's awake an hour before the sun rises and instead of going back to sleep or leaving, he passes the time drinking in Jaebum's features.

 

Jaebum had always appeared more mature in looks and mannerisms despite the two of them being the same age, but he definitely looks younger in his sleep.

He was sharp and defined everywhere; his jawline, his dark eyebrows, his wide shoulders, his almond eyes, his aquiline nose, even the jut of bone by his hip.

 

Now, with the shadows cast and slackening of his face softening the edges, Jinyoung idly tries remember every single thing, though he doesn't have time much left.

 

As if on cue, Jaebum starts stirring, the sunlight pouring into his room and into his face being the catalyst of his sleep being disturbed.

 

The last grain of sand falls to the bottom half of the hourglass and Jinyoung has run out of excuses to give. He quickly dresses as quietly as he can, then presses a kiss to Jaebum's forehead.

 

"I need to go."

 

He's gone before Jaebum is even fully awake.

 

Jinyoung borderline sprints back to his dorm building, ignoring the screaming from his backside, thanks to last night.

As soon as the lock clicks into place does he only allow himself to break down.

***

 

_One last time, I need to be the one who takes you home._

 

"Shit. Jae, I-" Jinyoung retract his limbs from where they had looped around the Jaebum's neck. If the older boy didn't hate him already, he most certainly would now.

 

"Just shut up, Jinyoung. Please just-" Jaebum doesn't finish his entence, crushing his mouth hard on Jinyoung's, his large hands warm on his nape and cheek holding him in place. His kisses are bruising and urgent, like Jinyoung would evaporate the moment he stops.

 

Jinyoung likens the sensation of being in Jaebum's arms once again to bursting into flames, the pain consumes him entirely but he can't live without it.

 

Jinyoung responds eagerly in turn, hands wandering all over, like he's reorienting himself with the contours and edges of all that is Jaebum. It's ridiculous, how despite their time apart, one touch can still awaken his hunger; that no matter how many times his fingers and mouth have mapped out Jaebum's body, he still feels like he's being thrust into uncharted territory. 

 

Jaebum can only describe it as expectation of the unexpected. Jinyoung knows him like the back of his hand but with each caress and press of lips, he still reacts to him like it's the first time.

 

***

_And I know that you got everything, but I got nothing here without you._

 

He hasn't gone back to Jaebum's dorm since he walked out, too scared of what he would do if he meets him there. He used to grumble every time he had to hike back to his own dorm during project deadlines or before certain exams when he really can't sleepover with Jaebum, wishing he had more time cuddling with him on the couch. But now he's thankful for some distance between them.

 

Jinyoung pulls his textbooks towards him before he spreads out his notes on his desk and his sheets, resolving to distract himself by being productive. All he needs is his lucky highlighter.

 

He sinks to his knees in near desperation after a few minutes searching all over his room and under his bed when he remembers that Jaebum always kept it on upper right corner of his desk.

 

(Jaebum had been the one who had given it to him in the first place, silently handing it to Jinyoung while he was underlining his handouts with a red pen.

 

He had scored a 99 on that test.)

 

Jinyoung gives up.

 

He climbs into bed, unmindful of the notes he's wrinkling beyond recognition. They tumble down to the floor as he lifts his sheets. He's planning on never waking up once he's asleep, any nightmare would be better than the reality of not having Jaebum in his life.

***

_I would give it all to not be sleeping alone._

 

"This is one of the best papers I've had in a while, Jinyoung-sshi. Keep up the good work."

 

Jinyoung smiles as he accepts his work from Professor Lee. His mood is bright and bubbly to all who pass him during the rest of the day. He excitedly tells his seat mates in his other classes when they ask what's got him feeling so good.

 

He drops the cheery countenance as soon as he steps into his dorm room and locks the door. He doesn't bother with turning on the light even though it's dark out already.

 

Jinyoung dumps the stack of confession letters and candy he digs out of his satchel in the bin for good measure.

 

He pauses before trashing the candy. Ferrero Rocher was a bit on the pricey side. He might need a snack break in the middle of revising his Music History notes in a few days. So he decides to just set the candy aside.

 

Jinyoung throws the paper he got from Professor Lee at the messy pile of graded schoolwork next to his desk. All of them marked with _good work! excellent!_ A couple of A-pluses and 100%.

 

A far cry from his B-pluses and _work on it more, you got potential, jinyoung_ during the time he was with-- _no! Stop. Stop._

 

He was always with Jaebum. Too distracted and spending most of his time over at the other's dorm room and away from his textbooks. Too busy discretely texting Jaebum in class to pay attention to lectures.

 

Jinyoung now had more time than he knew what to do with. His wallet considerably heavier since he was no longer paying for dates every once in a while.

 

He's also learned to cook. Who knew you could make a cake out of just three everyday ingredients and his microwave? His mom would be proud of him right now.

 

Funny enough, he showers every day for 20 minutes now just to have something to do. Also doing laundry twice a week instead of his usual twice a month routine is also helping to pass the time too.

 

He and his sheets smell better than ever but the cold ache in his chest when he pulls them over his head at night make all those so-called achievements seem so trivial in comparison.

 

Jinyoung closes his eyes and prays for sleep to come.

***

 

_I still say your name when I'm talking in my sleep._

 

***

_This is so hard, 'cause I didn't see you were the love of my life and it kills me._

_(You’re just holding him back.)_

 

One Saturday finds Jinyoung rearranging the books he owns in the DIY shelf he got after Jaebum had commented that his things were too disorganized to locate anything. He has nothing to do now he’s done the assignments for this week—the laundry’s done and he’s not particularly hungry, so cooking’s also out of the picture.

 

Jinyoung smiles bitterly to himself as he remembers how Jaebum had dragged him to the nearest furniture supply store, selected a small shelf and helped him assemble it on the floor of his dorm room.

 

He’s pulling out Me Before You to place it before Norwegian Wood when he hears something clack as it lands on the floor. He looks down and notes a small item before bending down and picking it up. It’s a thumb drive, black and tiny with a sticker label on one side.

 

_D’SOUL_

 

Jinyoung sighs. Another reminder of Jaebum. He wonders how he’s going to return it when he’s been avoiding the older boy like a plague. He’s gone as far as making new friends and also cutting off their mutual friends like Mark and Jackson just so he doesn’t have to deal any more drama than necessary.

 

He wonders what’s inside, knowing Jaebum and his nonselective approach when it came to preferences, it could be anything. Jinyoung’s got nothing better to do, so he plugs it in on his laptop, abandoning his previous attempts to arrange his reading material.

 

 _You never know, there could be a good movie or two._ He thinks as his clicks the drive open. I could use a break once in awhile.

 

The drive only has two folders. Jinyoung clicks on the first one, which only had songs. Songs that reminded Jinyoung of his time with Jaebum, so he goes back and opens the other folder.

 

There’s only one file inside. It’s a movie file so he plays it.

 

It starts with a black screen and slowly fades into a clip of him sleeping in Jaebum’s bed, a hand reaches out to tuck a stray of hair behind his ear. A voiceover starts and he can hear Jaebum’s voice as the scene continues.

 

_You look so peaceful in your sleep, so open. I can’t believe you trust me so much to let me see at your most vulnerable._

 

The hand tickles him, but Jinyoung slaps his hand away, frowning and pulling the blankets over his head.

 

The next scene is when they went to a beach in the middle of a road trip, the water was cold but they took off their shoes and rolled up their jeans so they could frolic like kids. Jinyoung sees himself turn around and give the camera a big smile.

 

Jinyoung remembers that moment, but at the time he was actually smiling at Jaebum, which explained which his gaze is unfocused.

 

 _Ya. Look at the camera._ Jaebum had said at the time.

 

_I had always taken your smiles for granted. Until I saw you smile at someone else differently, and I thought, why don’t you smile like that for me?_

 

The next scene shows him at the rooftop of Jaebum’s dorm building, the angle taken from what he thinks is the doorway. It’s odd to see himself in a different point of view, he observes as he watches Jaebum appear in the scene and make his way toward him.

 

_Wait. Isn’t this—_

 

The scene cuts to Jaebum pulling him close and kissing him. Giving Jinyoung their first kiss together.

 

_After that, I made sure I’d be the one you’d always be giving that smile to. I saved every moment you smiled at me in my memory._

 

His face is closer to the camera in the next scene. He’s napping at his desk and there are notes everywhere. A hand reaches out and shakes him by the shoulder. The hand presses a takeout coffee cup into his hands as soon as he blinks himself awake.

 

_You tell me not to worry about you, that you don’t need me protecting you because you say you can take care of yourself. I’m sorry. I can’t not worry about you. I care about you a lot and I just want to see you safe and sound._

 

Jinyoung’s sitting on his bed in the next scene, his face is turned away from the camera but he recognizes the tense set of his shoulders and jaw as anger and hurt.

 

_I’m a jealous guy and I can’t control myself when it comes to you. I’ve said a lot of hurtful things to you, just because I was mad. Sometimes, I wonder how I got lucky enough to have you. You’re something else, and can’t understand how you put up with me._

 

Then it seems like all the clips Jaebum has ever taken of him play on the screen; him reading a book, tying his shoelaces, making a face after eating something unpalatable, brushing his teeth.

 

_Sometimes when I look at you, I wonder if I’m good enough for you, I feel like I’m holding you back. Like you’re settling for less with me when you can have so much more with someone else._

_I feel like I should let you go, but I’m a selfish guy and not willing to lose you to someone else. But I know you’ll be happy even if it’s not with me._

_But not me, I can’t imagine being happy without you, let alone be with someone else._

_But if you leave, please come back._

 

And the scene fades to black.

 

Jinyoung blinks away the salty tears stinging his eyes. He has enough presence of mind to turn off his laptop and lock his door before he's tearing out into the darkness in search of Jaebum.

 

_One last time, I need to be the one who takes you home.  
One more time, I promise after that, I'll let you go._

**Author's Note:**

> A/n: please note that this college!au is different from my first fic. It's still jjp tho.
> 
> P. s. I started writing this before i even knew there was a music video for OLT, So this is no way related to that plot. i guess sucky mvs is one of the reasons i don't watch western mvs at all. The Harold Song is one of my all time favorite songs, please give it a listen.
> 
> If you got any questions related to the plot or about the fic. Feel free to ask in the comments.


End file.
